|
| Yes, it has been quite a while since I came to say something here....but I can assure you it was not because I have had nothing to say. Actually, quite the opposite. I've had so much to say that I just don't know how to sit down and relay it all, because my thoughts are very rarely well-organized. I have come once or twice and tried, and each time gave up and left, hoping for more determination on another day. Unfortunately, most of what I was originally going to say probably won't ever make it here. After all, if I wrote it all down, I'd have to sit here for hours typing it all out.
Nights like this are so hard. It's nights like these when I just feel.....like something is so very wrong, deep inside....but I can't grab hold of what it is. Sure, I have small whisps of thought here and there, but overall I'm mostly just a mess of emotions which I couldn't even put to words in my own head, much less out loud to anyone else. I search desperately for a song which will put into words what I feel in my heart. Nowhere can I find a verse that makes it clearer to me. I spend large amounts of time sitting and just...staring, or standing and doing the same. Prayer on these nights is not much of a conversation, simply because I don't have anything to say. I feel like asking questions of God but....can't even formulate the words for that. I desperately would love to talk to someone but the problem remains the same, talking to someone doesn't do any good if one can't even use words to talk about it. No friend, no matter how close, can read the deepest thoughts of my heart, especially if I can't. Obviously, I know God can, but it's so hard to hear him sometimes.
Can I just say that I hate my insecurities? I have so many they overwhelm me sometimes. I often notice them almost instantly, and then feel even worse because now, not only do I have insecurities plaguing me, but I feel completely awful for even having them in the first place. It's a horrible downward spiral that I still haven't learned quite how to deal with yet. I have to stop swallowing the lies that I'm unworthy, and unwanted, that if I don't work hard to be a part of a group of friends I'll end up alone. I have to stop believing the things that are whispered not only in my ear, but directly to the most sensitive part of my heart. No longer can I compare myself constantly to those around me, letting that define who I am, and what my value is. I know the truth in my head, and I have for so long. I just simply can't seem to let that truth make the short trip from my head to my heart.
So often I just don't know....anything. I don't know where I am. I don't know what I'm doing, or what I'm supposed to be doing. I don't know where I'm going. I don't know what God is doing, or where He wants me to be. I can only hope and trust that somehow, even when I feel Him the least, that He hasn't given up on me and He's still guiding me to the place He wants me and to the woman He created me to be.
| | |
| It's been a pretty good weekend, to tell you the truth. Friday I saw a friend I haven't seen in months, and then was able to spend some time with my lovely girls. :) I spent the rest of the afternoon in front of my bathroom mirror with some paper-cutting scissors and gave myself a hair-cut. Please don't ask what possessed me to chop 3 inches off of my hair, but it ended up being rather fun. Granted, I had to have a good friend fix some of the damage I'd done, but overall, I think it looks ok. It's been growing on me over the weekend.
I did a lot of working and sleeping this weekend. That's the thing I dislike most about the weekends. I sleep incredibly strange hours, and when I get up I feel very lazy and end up just sitting and watching TV. That only makes me lazier, and then I not only don't get anything productive done, but I feel so.....worthless. Truly, sometimes I wish we didn't have cable, because it might actually force me to do something with my life. I feel so much like I waste day, after day, after day, and accomplish nothing of eternal significance at all. I don't even know what that looks like here anymore. Have I really done anything good this semester? Sometimes I wonder. Many days I don't even WANT to watch, but I somehow still turn it on anyway. Why? I have no idea. It's so frustrating, and you'd think this would be easy to fix but.....that mustn't be true because if it was, surely I would have fixed it already. I just need self-discipline. I've never had much, but it's become more and more obvious of late. In high school, it was much easier. Life was so much more structured. Perhaps that's what I need; more structure. The problem is, now I have to create my own structure. That requires self-discipline though, and clearly.....I'm not good at that. lol. One thing I know: I HAVE to figure this out, because I feel like I'm wasting my life, and I can't bear to do that anymore.
I was feeling especially sentimental last night, and thinking about all the precious people in my life. I think a lot about how different my relationships are now compared to last year. Last night I had some of my most wonderful guy-friends come to Manhattan very late at night, just to see me, encourage me, and bring me a little piece of home. I loved it so much, it really did my heart good. My friendships here are incredible as well. I know I talk about all of this a lot but....it's probably one of the most important things in the world to me. Last year, I was so without companionship, making all of this even more fantastic. It's so great to belong, to have people to hang out with, eat with, do life with. I love being a part of a group of close friends, I love being included in plans to do things, I love having people call me to talk, or to confide in me, I love being a part of...everything, and I love having people to be there for. I just love......being there for people. I really really do. I know I say this over and over and over again but I am so unbelievably blessed in those I've been surrounded with.
And so, in agreement with one of my favorite songs from the musical Wicked,
"Because I knew you....I have been changed for good."
| | |
| Wow. Random, but I just remembered "Expage." Am I the only one that remembers that precursor to Xanga? Wierd. I know I had one. That was fun. This is better though. I just have to get back into the habit of posting here. I really do miss that like crazy.
Last time I posted here, I was about to finish my freshman year of college. I can't even believe how much life has happened since then. I loved every minute of last summer. I can't even really begin to fully describe it. I was able to spend every single day with some people that I treasure very much. For the first summer in a long time I didn't spend my summer days wasting away in front of the television. We went places, did things, had an amazing time, and every day I returned home happy, and so very content. I'm now very familiar with the menu at Sonic, as well as Starbucks. I've explored downtown Wichita, and every inch of the Keeper of the Plains. And who knew it could be so fun to take a walk through Swanson Park at 10:30 at night? Terrifying, yes. But fun. :) I have to be honest, it was very hard to move out again at the end of the summer. I even occasionally entertained thoughts over the summer of transferring back to Wichita, and going to WSU. I love Wichita, I really do. And there are so many people there, including my family, that I miss so much when I'm away.
However, when the day came (hurried and stressful as it was) I packed up, and came back to Manhattan. I can honestly say, the minute I drove back into town, and onto campus, all my doubts were gone. It was like I'd never left here, and I immediately knew "this is where I belong. Yes. This is it." I just love it here. This is where I am supposed to be right now. I haven't been home at all since moving here, and even though it's been incredibly difficult, I've never felt the need to leave here. I just miss home.
I won't lie. It's been.......an unbelievably hard semester. Some days I've been hit so hard with life-situations that I didn't know how I could stand up anymore. While not as much has happened to me personally, I've been heavily involved in the crises of some dear, dear friends. I've experienced worry, heartbreak, and....well....a lot of heartbreak. Good things have happened, don't get me wrong, and a lot of what's gone horribly bad has ended up much better. I've just....never had to deal with so much intense pain and hard life situations as I have this semester alone. Sometimes it feels like it just keeps coming. Never before have I spent so much time on the phone crying so hard I could barely even talk anymore. Yes, last year was tough, but this has been different. I would still probably take this over last year, but I can't deny the struggle. I'm still dealing with some things that happened over 2 months ago. When things like that happen you just kind of......react, and cope, and deal with stuff as it comes, and then come to terms with it, and heal from it later. I just didn't realize how long that would take.
One thing that sticks out to me in a very very good way about life since my last post is my friendships. My summer was wonderful, this year has been hard, but they both have one thing in common: amazing friendships. No longer does friendship just mean hanging out all the time, and having fun together. No, it means so much more now. It means sharing your life with someone. It means trust, and having a connection at the heart level. It means being there for each other, at all hours of the day and night, no matter what. It means........looking at someone's face and knowing....just knowing......what's in their heart, without ever uttering a word. It means crying together, laughing together, being vulnerable together. It means knowing that you are loved by the very people who know all about your faults, and your failures, and in spite of all this, they choose to value and care about you. That's......amazing, and something that can only come from God.
I am blessed.
| | |
| Well, I haven't been here in a while because...well, no one really does Xanga anymore. Upon recent rediscovery of my xanga page (yes, I'd largely forgotten this was even here) I remembered how much I enjoyed posting here all the time. Facebook is much better in general, but quite honestly it's not really something that's good for just posting thoughts on a daily (or otherwise) basis. Therefore, I have decided to return, and begin posting here again. I'm fully aware that probably no one will ever read anything I post here, but that's alright. :) Wow, I can hardly believe I only have 7 weeks until the end of my first year of college. It's been...some year, that's for sure. God has done amazing things this year, truly. I heard before I came here that freshman year of college is a time of huge amounts of change, not just in the obvious ways, but in every way imaginable. Little did I know how true that would be. I feel like I've gone through an entire reinvention of who I am. Honestly, college began and everything I thought I knew about myself, and believed about God was instantly....unsure. Suddenly I didn't have a clue who I was, and I was just as unsure about all I'd previously believed about God as well. I know that sounds....completely awful, but I don't really think it is, in every case. Questioning can be a good thing, as long as you come out of it in Truth. My personality has not changed, and I don't know that I'd go so far as to say that I'm a different person now. I will say that I've discovered many things about myself, both good and bad, that had been there all along, but which I'd never identified before. Some of those things were encouraging for me to discover, and some were painful. As far as the questioning of my faith goes, that was rough as well. It was kind of like God said, "You've claimed all these truths about me for all these years; do you really believe it? Prove it." As I've gone through this year he's taken me through a very difficult process, and I think I'm finally coming out, exactly where He wants me to be. All in all the changes and growth that come with Freshman year are far beyond anything anyone could fully describe, and many times things get really hard. When all is said and done though, each and every step is fully necessary, and fully worth it. After all, this is the time where we move from dependent adolescents to independant adults, and that's a process I wouldn't miss for the world. :) | | |
| Go here: http://www.268blog.blogspot.com/ and read the latest post. This story is incredible. I've followed it from the beginning via this blog, and as I sit here, I don't even have words for this. Just go, and read. | | |
|
